Thankful

My heart is so heavy as I'm typing. It's actually felt this way for the last few days, but tonight there is different kind of deepness to it. I can't figure out where the weight is coming from. Maybe it's the reality that two great people aren't here this time and how much I wish I could see them again, or maybe my lack of sleep along with the rainy day has caused a sadness to bubble up in me. It hit me tonight after talking with one of the kids about how much he misses his mom that he more than likely will probably never see her again because he is afraid to return back to his abusive father. I began to feel his pain and ache because yes I may miss my mom, but I still have the opportunity to see her again and even if he wanted to see her again, finding her might be the biggest challenge. It brightened my soul when he began talking about how much she loved church and God because he too has this much needed Hope inside his heart. There will come a day when they meet again, whether it be here on earth or in our permanent home with God. 

Along with a heavy heart, I have absolutely no idea what day it is. Time goes so fast here and all the days blend together. Right now the Hanleys (the main missionary family) are in the states visiting family and friends. All has been normal since they've been gone except for the fact that the city decides to turn the power off when light is most needed, bed time. Trying to get a three year old and baby to sleep while there is no power and with the sound traveling everywhere makes it impossible some nights. I've never heard "tengo miedo" (I'm scared) or so many screams coming from Yinancia's room so much in my life, but despite the frustrations there have been some fun/ awkward memories made ;) 

**Fiesta night with no power= lots of sugar and dancing :)**

~I'm thankful for how bright the stars and moon become when the whole city loses power.

~I'm thankful for the bonding time spent reading Yinancia back to sleep during the nights the city loses their mind and turns the power off when it's most needed.

~I'm thankful for the cold dribbling shower. It's refreshing :)

~I'm thankful for being able to use 3 languages in 1 sentence.

~I'm thankful for the rainy days that bring cool breezes.

~I'm thankful for the frustration of disobedient children because it means these kids are just like any other children no matter where they have come from. 

~I'm thankful to be living with a baby and Jenna despite the early morning wakeup cries :) 

~I'm thankful that the same God who loves me and gave His son for me, loves these children and is giving me His love for them. 

*I'm also thankful for chapped lips from giving so many kisses*

"For though I am free from all, I have made myself a servant to all, that I might win more of them."

1 Corinthians 9:19

It has definitely been a while since I've been on here and I always choose to blog at the most inopportune moments (like today since I should be studying for the test I have on Tuesday in the class I'm failing so prayers are appreciated), but today I just had this urge to not just get all of my thoughts out but also to let everyone read them ;) so here we go…

These last three years have been some of the hardest but most beautiful years I've had the privilege to experience in my short 22 years of life. I have experienced pain from heartbreak that I never dreamed could be possible, dealt with anxiety and depression from nursing school to just life, I have gained friends and lost friends, and have had several people whom I have loved be taken from this earth. Through every cringe of heartache and every tear that has fallen over these years, God has not let me fall from His hands. How grateful am I that He who created every ounce of this earth and knows all of us by our names, is jealous for my affection and attention. I am cherished and loved by a God that I continue to wander from and fail daily, but when He sees me, He sees the blood of Christ that was shed to cover all of our failings. He sees His daughter whom He is making "ashes to beauty". He delights in me and dances over me. I am thankful for a loving, funny, awesome (and every other good adjective) God.

If you would have told me 4 years ago that I was about to be spending not just one, but two full summers in a 3rd word country, I would have looked at you like you had 5 heads. But four years ago, I was lost. I was finding pleasure and my hope in worldly things. I was putting people at my number 1 spot and God at my number 5 spot. Lucky for me I found myself so very broken and running to God a few short months later. Everything I had known for so long and that had felt so comfortable to me, was slipping through my fingers and I couldn't get a grasp on it. At the time, it didn't seem fair, but looking back on that year I have never been more thankful to have been as completely broken as I was. God saved me in so many different ways that year. He brought me from MTSU to Samford where I joined the sorority that would eventually introduce me to the place that I now call my second home, Jimani. January 2013 was my first trip to Jimani, let alone my first mission trip ever. I had been dying to go on a mission trip for years, and I was finally getting an opportunity to go. It was what I call a "wing it" trip because I didn't care where I went, I just wanted to go. Our group all originally was planning to go to an orphanage in Haiti, but last minute was changed to Chadasha in Jimani, and I am so glad it was. God knew what He was doing as always. I immediately fell in love and did not want to leave. Thankfully God has changed the desires of my heart from the evilness in this world to a love for His people.

Since that first trip, I have been back three times in the last year. I spent all of last summer, my Christmas break, which was the biggest growing experience, and now I'll be back for a 4th time this summer. I'm asking you to join me in prayers as I am preparing to venture back down, and if you feel led to support me financially don't hesitate to email me for information on how to do so at kledford@samford.edu :) I have full confidence that God will provide.

"No unbelief made him waver concerning the promises of God, but he grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God, fully convinced that God was able to do what He had promised."

Romans 4:20-21

Feliz Ano Nuevo :)

What do you do when you feel like your heart is about to explode with love? Love more than you thought possible?! That's the feeling I have right at this moment as I type. I just want to hug everything. If I could physically hug these gorgeous mountains, I would probably hug them and never let go. You can see why too :) 

This is my third time back in Jimani in the last year, and it blows my mind to look at where I am now from where I was this time last year. So much growth and joy comes from simple obedience in the Lord. So much peace comes from obeying. This is one thing we've been trying to engrain in these precious, but stubborn kids heads. 

   (Maikens, Eina, Davince, and Yinancia)

I've only been here for 2 weeks and I'm only here for three more, but that's not long enough. Do you know how hard it is to leave your heart behind 2000 miles away? My thinking over the past few weeks has been the saying, "How lucky am I that I have something so wonderful, that it makes saying goodbye so hard". 

        Kimi and Avila on Christmas Eve

    Anderson had to run all the way here in the rain on Christmas Eve

                Eduardo and Lones

The last few weeks have been filled with lots of food and sweets, and even some presents :) it's definitely been a different Christmas/ New Years for me but I couldn't have asked for anything more. I've missed a lot back home, but there is more joy and peace in my heart than I know what to do with at times especially when there's dancing and fireworks!

      Christmas morning and Pierre      Antoine's 14th birthday

     Peeling potatoes for Christmas Eve    dinner :)

     SO much dancing.. and high school   musical!

Prayer requests:

-Obedience for all missionaries and children here.

-Honesty amongst one another

-integrity, wisdom, and grace for everyone on the children's home campus

-For all of the adults here to love the children well 

-Help with the language barrier (their language= creole, mine=English, both know spanish-a little) :) 

Happy New Year :) 

"And he that sat upon the throne said, Behold, I make all things new. And he said unto me, Write: for these words are true and faithful." Revelation 21:5

Life

Guys, life is hard.

Over the last few weeks, I have been struggling with old habits and old feelings. I have felt useless, and definitely a lot less worthy than "Gold", but ever since this past summer I have been making declarations using verses and passages from the Bible and declaring them over my life or others. It gives a whole new look on the love God truly has for us. His word is truth and life, and in this perfection, image crazed society we live in in America, it can break you down. I know it definitely has for me, but a few weeks ago I began writing all the truths I could think of how I am truly seen in the eyes of God. After all, He created me and chose me to be one of His many daughters and coheirs with Christ so I must be worth a whole lot more than gold, right?! 

Here is the passage I found in my journal:

"The Lord stands near me. He strengthens me. He is my refuge and ever present help when I face troubles. His ways are greater than mine. He is jealous for my love and calls me His bride. He thinks I am beautiful, and even to die for. He sees no flaw in me because I am His. 

I am loved and wanted by someone who I continuously find myself turning from. He calls me by name, and has made my ashes into beauty. The Lord has given me beautiful feet to spread the good news of all that He has done, and to make love known to those who know no love. He watches over me, and walks before me and beside me. Whom shall I fear? 

He is my protector and my deliver, and in Him I will trust all of my days."

The devil has been getting in my head and succeeding at making me feel useless and confused, but through Christ we are overcomers (Mandisa says it best in her song ;) ) and more powerful than all the evil in this world and out of this world combined. The devil is constantly on the prowl and attacking, and he sure does know my weaknesses, but I am strong and loved and he can never take that away from me. I am continuing to pray for wisdom and strength and daily fighting the desire to be part of this world, but there is far greater joy ahead than what lies here before our puny human eyes. I am also praying for comfort and understanding for the ones closest to me in these next few months as God is giving me another beautiful opportunity to be His tangible love outside of the context I live in now :)

"Blessed is she who believed that there would be a fulfillment of what was spoken to her from the Lord." Luke 1:45

Beauty

I honestly don't know how I am going to be able to get on a plane and fly 1500 miles away from my heart in 9 days. 

This summer has flown by! I've been waking up around the same time every morning just about with an achy feeling in my heart. The kids, especially Caleb, remind me daily how many days I have left (they're the sweetest ;)) and keep asking why I have to leave. Wisquabie was the one who made me realize how little few days I actually had left; he's just making sure I bring a game for the DS when I come back again ha. Sonson has even been tugging at my heart more this week. The other day he told me he wanted me to stay here for a year or longer! Oh how I wish that were possible right now. Even fiesty little Andrecito and Jefri have captured my heart this week with their random kisses. Leaving is going to be painful, but from the pain comes beautiful growth. 

This summer I've been a friend, enemy, sister, mother, teacher, doctor, patient, punching bag, baby, coloring book, rescuer, a smile or hug, driver, mistake maker, but most importantly I've been and forever will be a child of God. God has been revealing Himself and His heart to me more and more each day. I'm learning to love more like Him even when I feel as if I have no more love left in me. He's showing me how to be patient and more caring. He's showing me how to be more like Jesus. As a child of God, I'm figuring out how powerful our lives, words, and actions are, Jesus even said Himself that we will do greater works than Him (John 14:12)! I'm learning just how beautiful and grand my inheritance is as a precious child of God. 

The past few weeks, I've seen God in ways I would have never expected. About 3 weeks ago, Nana and I were taking the day kids home and we were down to three kids left, Eduardo and Iverson, who are brothers, and Andrecito. Andrecito was begging to be the last dropped off but the easiest thing at that time was to take him home first. As soon as we turned on his street, he immediately began pouting and crying. Nana had to pry his fingers off the door and carry him in the house kicking and screaming. Little did we realize, his family had been drinking. His father immediately began whipping him with a measuring tape over and over. We ended up dropping Eduardo and Iverson off at their home and drove back by Andrecito's home to witness and hear more whipping noises. It was constant and now his sister was involved in the beating of her younger brother. We ended up pulling back up to his house and taking him back to the Children's Home with us. This little boy, who had the tendency to push my patience over the edge, was making me sob. My heart shattered for him. This was such a norm to him that when asked if his sister and father would beat him everyday, he would answer joyfully with a sweet, innocent smile "Yes!". He's been living with us now for the past few weeks and there has already been an improvement. He feels safe here and finds trust that he is going to be taken care of. He still has his moments, but we all do! God is teaching me how to love this boy and see him the way he is seen in Heaven. Pray that this boy would gain control over his emotions and learn to fully trust in God and his family here.

I have also had the opportunity to visit Po Plume, Haiti twice this summer now. Po Plume is a small village right on the other side of the border in Haiti where Chadasha supports the people who live there and their church/pastor and school. This village has no running water or electricity, and barely any protection from the rain or sun. 

The first time I was there this summer, we went to take blood samples of some of the children to check their hemoglobin levels. Talk about some loud screams that day, but I don't blame them.

Po plume is surrounded by so much beauty, but they have little to nothing. Please pray for this community and that they would realize how great and beautiful our God is.

Thursday night we witnessed 4 people get baptized here at Chadasha. Two of the four were boys from the children's home who have my whole heart. Caleb (15) and Anderon (11) both asked God into their heart earlier that day and were baptized that night. It was such a blessing from God to witness it. I have been wanting to see my brother Caleb be baptized this summer. He has come so far the past two months and I'm so proud of him and his heart! Anderson, immediately after rising from the water, began sobbing. He let tears pour from his eyes for probably an hour after. I cry thinking of that night. You could feel and see the joy and genuineness in his smile and tears that evening. It was such a beautiful picture of God's love and passion for us.

Caleb with Stephen and John. 

Photo by Erika Neat :)

I pray God continues to grow their heart and their minds in wisdom and knowledge of Him. Pray others here would see God shining through them! God has HUGE plans for these two! Pray they stay focused on Him.

I love these two boys so much and all the other children here! I am so in love with God and thankful for His constant pursuit over our hearts. His love never fails us and He will never forsake us even when our life here on earth doesn't seem to go the way we expect it to. 

Ephesians 1

Romans 6:3-11

God has been at work! Not only in myself, but in these children here. He's moving in big ways answering prayers and softening the hearts of the kids. We're seeing Him move, and He's coming alive in me more and more everyday with every little smile and struggle seen here. The past few weeks have been very trying but very beautiful in their own way also.

God wrecked my heart in January here and He continues to break it even when I think it's impossible for anymore to be wrecked, but all things are possible with God :) (Matthew 19:26). It's one of the biggest blessings having my heart break for what breaks His. I'm beginning to learn to see people how God sees them. About 2 weeks ago, we had our first team of the summer come in. With the group came a lady who is a pediatrician in the States. While she was here, I got the chance to help her with annual, simple check ups with the children. Reality began to hit right in the face, and when reality here hits, it hits hard. I knew most of the kids stories and that they had suffered more in their short life than most people ever will in a lifetime in the States, but I never really opened my eyes or accepted it until that day. I had been so blind and ignorant. I found myself choking back tears throughout the check ups multiple times because God was awakening me to this awful reality. The kids who have had me falling in love with them since January have been abused (mentally, emotionally, physically, & sexually) all their lives. This truth angered me and shattered my heart. All I could do was cry and hold Kimberly as tight as I could. It's moments like those or when you find out one of the children's fathers was so abusive it made him feel safer living on the streets hundreds of miles away than in his own home, that God overflows your heart with more emotion and compassion than you know what to do with. 

I am thankful and grateful for being blessed with a wonderful family and a decently easy life when I don't deserve any more than any of the kids here have. God has been showing me lately how He is my Heavenly Father, and my prayer is that these children would truly know the love that their true Father has for them. He will never leave us. He's always good and beautiful, and His love never fails. I'm praying to know how to love the way He loves.

Photo credit is due to Jenna Scherdell:)

The last week or so, I've been seeing how not only is God my Father, but He's our healer. He's perfect! There have been so many illnesses affecting so many people here, including myself which was not fun. We also had sweet Jomayco land the wrong way after jumping out of a tree causing his arm to break at his elbow. There's a chance that the break will effect his growth plate so prayers for quick and easy recovery and wisdom from the doctors during surgery would be greatly appreciated. 

God is healing bodies, hearts, and wounds (physically and emotionally).

Despite the trauma from last week, hearts are opening this week. There have been prophesies given to the children, and some of them responded with hunger for more. They're hungry for the joy and love of Christ, and they're beginning to see it. It's definitely been an emotionally, exciting week watching, talking, and praying with them. I'm so excited for what God has in store here. Caleb keeps telling us that he wants more of Jesus. Watching him read his prophecy the other night was so awesome. All he kept saying over and over again was "Wow!" God is longing for Caleb's heart! You can see it and feel that Caleb is genuinely starting to understand it all. He's wanting this gift of love! 

"And now Israel, what does The Lord your God require of you, but to fear The Lord your God, to walk in all His ways and to love Him, to serve The Lord your God with all your heart and with all you soul." Deuteronomy 10:12

Pray that Caleb keeps his heart open and receptive for The Lord. Pray that all these children would have their hearts open more and more to receive The Lord also. 

"Set me as a seal upon your heart,

As a seal upon your arm;

For love is as strong as death,

Jealousy as cruel as the grave;

Its flames are flames of fire, a most vehement flame.

Many waters cannot quench love, 

Nor can the floods drown it."

Song of Solomon 8:6-7

Time is going too fast already. The days are long and hot, but they go by so fast still. God places multiple reminders each day among the hot, crazy days I'm where He wants me. Here are a few :) 

This is Jomayco. My heart seriously melts every time he says my name "Kweesten" with a joyful grin. He has so much love in his heart, but can still turn into a scrapper at times. 

Beautiful Kimberly :) we have "arguments" all the time about how pretty she is. She is quickly stealing my heart along with the rest of them. I pray constantly she would realize how beautifully and wonderfully made she is in Christ.

The kids love coloring pictures and giving them to us and we love receiving them just as much, but this picture is probably my favorite. Sweet 11 year old Sonson made this yesterday. The top of it says Jenna and Kristi(e)n do everything with gentleness and he put our names along with his cousin's, Lones, in hearts. 

Sonson :) This boy quickly captured my heart this trip. Pray for him and his mother. His mother lives in a small Haitian town right across the border called Po Plume where there is no running water or electricity, and the people there really don't have anything at all.

There is nothing like the beauty found here. I'm so in love with this place and so thankful God brought me back. God is so beautiful. This picture is proof.

I wish everyone could experience the beauty and joy that I find here, but there's two side to everything. Despite the beauty, this country and these people are so broken. Please pray that God would break their hearts and help them see who He truly is. Patience and wisdom for the missionaries, interns, and teams are also a major prayer necessity. God is at work here and it's so awesome to see, but where God is working, the devil is working too. The kids are always under attack and struggle with fighting with what they know is the right thing to do. Pray for God to soften and open their hearts for Him. Thanks for all the prayers and support :)  

Galatians 2:20